I'm Too Sexy
by Moon without a Sun
Summary: Okay, yes. I did it. I wrote a songfic with the song I'm Too Sexy. Basically, Schuldig and Crawford end up in a nightclub. Rated mostly for language,


Disclaimer: I don't own Weiss Kreuz blah blah blah, I think you get it.

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I'm Too Sexy

By Moon without a Sun

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Crawford was mortified. He couldn't believe that a. this was where their mission was, b. Schuldig actually knew this place, c. the bartender and the bouncer both knew Schuldig's name. Looking around, the place was HORRIBLE. 'Why would anyone ever even think of running a business out of such an establishment? So what if it happened to be some new experimental drug ring? It was beyond embarrassing. It was the sort of place Balinese belonged- on a bad day.'

His ramblings were interrupted by a squeal of "I LOVE THIS SONG!!!" and the distressing image of Schuldig laying claim to the empty stage. The loud applause let Crawford know that this was not an unusual event, which did not help to improve his mood. It was always good to know that your teammate and long-time love-from-afar didn't mind being the center of drug-addicted attention. However, before he could think about that and just WHY Schuldig would be such a regular here, Crawford became very distracted and distressed and a bunch of other "d" words by what was going on onstage.

"_I'm too sexy for my love, too sexy for my love; love's going to leave me"_

'My dear Kami-sama, fuck you. Why?? Why did it have to be that song!? Which, admittedly, Schuldig really did love, but come on, give a guy a break!'

"_I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts"_

Much to Crawford's dismay, not only was Schuldig SINGING, but he was dancing. That's right; the nice shirt Crawford had bought him just for this occasion had been thrown into the crowd. Well, at least at Crawford, who was now wringing the blue silk like it was Schuldig's neck.

"_I'm too sexy for Milan, too sexy for Milan, New York, and Japan"_

Okay, Crawford did have to give him that. He was awfully sexy, and if the biggest competition in Japan was Balinese, what did that say? 'Well, at least he got to look at Schuldig shirtless, in tight pants, when he was too distracted to be reading his thoughts.' Or at least Crawford hoped so, because that would certainly not help his hard-ass leader image any. 'Well…there were some benefits of this club after all. No! Bad Crawford!' This was not what he wanted, was here for, or should ever have to deal with outside the comfort of his own home.

"_I'm too sexy for your party, too sexy for your party; no way I'm disco dancing!"_

Okay, this was not good. Schuldig needed to get off that stage fast. First of all, because Crawford didn't like other people thinking that Schuldig was sexy, much less so too sexy. Then there was the issue of needed to get in touch with their client so that when Weiss decided to show up next Tuesday, they would have established enough trust to be able to kill him themselves and still have an excuse for Farfarello to see the goody-too-shoes that he had become suddenly infatuated with. And lastly, if Schuldig didn't stop dancing around that pole and using his hips in a quite suggestive manner, Crawford was going to have to go to the bathroom, and he did not want to have to think about what this place's facilities looked like or what went on in them.

"_I'm too sexy for my hat, too sexy for my hat; what do you think about that?"_

Well, at least the ridiculousness of the words and the rhyming brought Crawford back to reality. Just in time to see Schuldig giving him the 'come hither' look, complete with finer beckoning. 'No way in HELL was he going up on that stage. He'd rather take a field trip with Dante than go up there, no matter HOW sexy Schuldig was.'

"_I'm a model, you know what I mean? And I do my little turn on the catwalk. Yeah, on the catwalk, on the catwalk, yeah, I shake my little tush on the catwalk"_

'No! Not the fake model walk! Schuldig was having way too much fun.' _/You bet I am! And you should be joining me, Braddie-kins. It would be fun! Come on. You, me, and a big pole…/ _'Oh great. Schuldig, stop it. Now get off that stage so that we can get back to business. You know, what we came here for? NOW!'

"_I'm too sexy for my, too sexy for my, too sexy for my…"_

Apparently, that wasn't going to work anymore 'Oh great, he was reading my thoughts. Now I'll never be able to make him do anything again. Not to mention he'll use it against me to try to get me to do things that I don't want to do.'

"_Cos I'm a model, you know what I mean? And I do my little turn on the catwalk. Yeah, on the catwalk, on the catwalk, yeah, I shake my little tush on the catwalk."_

_/Of course I will. Now get your ass up here before I come find you down there/_ Well, that was just what he was going to have to do, because there was absolutely no way that Crawford was going up on that stage. Ever. Luckily for him, it was at that moment of ethical/moral/prideful dilemma that one of their client's associates appeared to tell him that he would be unable to make their appointment due to a family emergency. Apparently, his trophy wife had decided to take some of their drugs and make a run for it. Well, that solved one problem. Sadly, while he had been distracted, Schuldig had made his way off the stage and was now approaching through the parting crowd, almost like a panther parting the Red Sea in an imitation of Moses.

"_I'm too sexy for my cat, too sexy for my cat. Poor pussy, poor pussy cat"_

_/I warned you, Braddie-kins. Now I'm going to have to skip dancing with you and move straight on to dragging you out of here and blowing you in the car. Way to deprive all of my adoring fans of a good show, since I know that somewhere underneath all that cream suit and tie there is a man who loves to dance dirty when he thinks no one's watching./_ Brad rolled his eyes and was about to turn and walk away when Schuldig's words hit him. 'Wait, what? Schuldig, are you sure that you speak English as well as you think you do?' Schuldig smirked, having reached the American through the crowd. _/Oh yes, I'm quite sure I do./_

"_I'm too sexy for my love, too sexy for my love; love's going to leave me"_

That said, Schuldig wrapped his leg around his leader's waist, pulling them together. "Now, what do you say we get out of here and get on with the rest of the night. After all, Nagi's at a friend's and Farfie's out stalking Siberian, leaving us with the house to ourselves. If we hurry, I'll even let you do me on the counter. Yeah, I know about it. Your thoughts are actually the most amusing of the group." By the time Schuldig got around to mentioning the counter, he had already been maneuvered until he was almost at the door.

"_And I'm too sexy for this song"_

Thoroughly agreeing, Crawford led the German out of the club and into the waiting car.

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Not the best story in the world, but it was written in half an hour and was just one of those "tehe, he would love that song" moments. Reviews are always appreciated, even if they're just silly little comments. 


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